


Kill Your Darlings

by Zzaerith



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clary Fray & Alec Lightwood Friendship, Confused Alec Lightwood, Confused Magnus Bane, Delusions, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Hanahaki Disease, Hurt Magnus Bane, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magic, Magnus Bane Needs A Hug, Memory Loss, Mild Blood, Misunderstandings, Pining, Protective Raphael, Slow Burn, Supportive Isabelle Lightwood, bc dang i love that, im sorry i love magnus i promise, izzy is smart and does her best, like jesus just talk already, lydia is supportive and is the best fight me, magnus tries his best
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-30
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-07 06:34:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,350
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12227529
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zzaerith/pseuds/Zzaerith
Summary: It was like there was a plastic filter over his eyes, blurring the lines of distinction between the colors of red, white, blue and black. He wasnt sure where one starts or where the other ends.But he could see where his colorful life ends, and its right around the corner.Who knew flower petals could be so ominous?





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

“I’m getting married.”

 

Magnus blinked. This was… unexpected.

 

“Woah... that’s a little intense, isn’t it? Shouldn’t you buy me dinner first?” Magnus chuckled nervously, a little disbelieving. Alec was never this forward, nor did he peg for him to be the type to dive straight right in.

 

“Magnus,” Alec said, “family is everything to me.” Magnus felt the sincerity in those words. He nodded in understanding, .

 

“I get it. You’re part of a “don’t-ask-don’t-tell” culture. I’m fine with it. You’re a traditional guy.” he smiled a little.

 

“Yeah, I am. That’s why I proposed to Lydia.” Alec said with an expression Magnus can’t decipher, probably because he zoned out, waiting for his mind to process.

 

His heart sank. A small seed of pain burrowed itself in his heart, then he remembered that Alec was in front of him, waiting for his response. “That’s… interesting.” He gritted out, the seedling of pain beginning to bloom in his chest.

 

“It-it makes sense. It’s a solid partnership, for the both of us.” Alec looked like he was trying to convince himself more than Magnus. Like he was reading out of a script.

 

“Solid partnership...” he scoffed, “that’s _hot_.” Magnus supposed he should have expected this. Why would anyone choose him? It always ended this way. Always.

 

Magnus pushed his insecurities away, a dark cloud hanging over him. A storm he would deal with later. “Well, congratulations. Marriage is a _wonderful_ institution,” he retorted, “not that I would know.”

 

Alec looked exasperated, like he wanted to say something, or possibly take it all back. Magnus cut in first though, he has had enough hoping for one day.

 

“Goodbye, Alexander” He sighed, walking away with a heavy heart.

 

-x-

 

Magnus entered his loft and plopped heavily on the couch. With a snap, he summoned a martini, downing it like it was water as he replayed the entire conversation in his mind.

 

_Shit._

 

Magnus scowls, refilling his now empty cocktail drink with another snap.

 

-x-

 

The burning in his chest only grew as the hours ticked away. In all of Magnus’ years of existence and inevitable heartbreaks, he has never experienced one to this degree. And it’s not like he was even left at the altar or anything.

 

He shook his head to try and clear it, _I'll figure it out later._ He thought as he maneuvered around his kitchen in hopes of finding the right ingredients for a potion his recent client requested. Might as well dive into work instead of moping all day.

 

As he was recovering a bottle of vampire fangs from the cabinet, his chest began to constrict. Magnus tries to take deep breaths but the more he tries the more painful his airways feel. Like something was stuck, or that he was being choked from the inside out.

 

The pain suddenly spiked, making him stumble, resulting in the sudden _crash_ as the bottle slips from his hand and smashes on the floor. Magnus’ arm shoots out, steadying himself on the kitchen counter. _What the hell is happening?_ He clicked his fingers, hoping his magic would help, but even that didn’t work.

 

Magnus tried to inhale deeply once more, as he snaps his fingers in panic, but only ended up in a coughing fit that made his eyes water a little. _Great, even my magic abandoned me_. It felt like a century has passed before his coughing subsided, when in reality it could have been a little under 3 minutes.

 

After his fit however, the pain suddenly subsided into a dull throb, right where his heart lies. _What the fuck_.

 

As Magnus tried to recollect himself, a knock sounded the door. He straightened up and tried to wipe away the tears that gathered, carefully trying not to smudge the kohl around his eyes. Magnus snapped his fingers to whisk away the shards of glass and vampire fangs that have scattered across his kitchen tiles. Then headed straight for the door, and was greeted with an uncommon sight as he opened it.

 

“What brings you here?” Magnus asked, not with malice but with genuine curiosity. He hasn’t seen his son in a while. Camille didn’t allow too many opportunities for them to meet.

 

Magnus stepped aside, inviting Raphael into his home. “Take a seat,” he gestured to the couch, Raphael visibly thinned his lips in contemplation, “I see you have much to discuss.” Magnus rummaged through his cabinets. His blood stocks were running low. The warlock supposed they would have to make do. Filling in a glass, he handed it to Raphael.

 

“It’s not news you will like,” Raphael warned him. _Camille_ , Magnus sighed. He’s already heard enough bad news for the day.

 

“I’m sure I can take it,” Magnus smiled, sitting across Raphael.

 

“I usurped Camille,” the vampire announced, “she’s been breaking the accords for too long.”

 

-x-

 

Magnus shut the door behind Raphael as he leaves. It has been a while since they caught up, and it felt nice to be distracted from his raging thoughts and emotions. He started cleaning up the empty wine glasses, sure he had magic for that, but he likes doing things the mundane way. Especially if he has a lot on his mind.

 

He wasn't entirely sure how he felt about the news Raphael had brought him, if he was being honest. Especially after what happened at the Institute and Raphael’s news.

 

It wasn’t enough, though, to keep the pain at bay. He found himself taking deep, shaky breaths to work through the distracting throb throughout their entire conversation as discreetly as possible. Magnus was lucky Raphael had a lot on his mind. He didn’t want him to worry any more than he did. Raphael never reacted well to threats on his family, no matter how distant he acted sometimes.

 

Suddenly, the dull pain in his chest ramped up from the pounding all the way to a stabbing, searing pain in a matter of seconds, it felt like something was burrowing itself into his heart . The pain spread throughout his torso like a virus, and crawled all the way up his throat. His breaths started coming a lot faster in his panic and he  immediately snapped his fingers to call on his magic as reflex, but alas, it didn’t work.

 

Magnus felt like screaming, but instead a hoarse, barely stifled yell tore from his throat instead. He felt as if something is lodged in his throat but no matter how much he coughed, it wouldn’t come out.

 

Then, just as the pain finally was at its worse, it dissipated, like a fog he knows would come back to haunt him, and although the pain might have ebbed away, it felt like there was something in his lungs, something light and fluttery. Magnus paid it no mind though, because he could finally breathe properly for the first time in hours.

 

As Magnus tries to calm his breathing, he realizes that he fell to the ground in the midst of the episode, he uncurls from his fetal position and slowly moves to get up.

 

Just his luck, honestly.


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

Magnus has been pouring himself all over every book he could find that would even remotely relate to what he’s been experiencing for the past two days. He even sent a fire message to Cat and Ragnor.

 

He probably looks like a rabid animal right now, with his bloodshot eyes, dark circles, unruly hair and messy clothes. He’s barely able to sleep now, not just because of the pain, but because of his nightmares as well, which ranges from his mother’s death to Alec’s stern, yet cute face. If that could even constitute as a nightmare.

 

The pain has been on and off–off being a noticeable dull throbbing in the middle of his chest. And on being the searing pain rendering him useless for a couple of minutes. So sleeping has been out of the question. Which gives him time to extensively research on the matter.

 

However, no matter how much he tries to look for an answer, it never appears.

 

Magnus covers his face with an overwhelming need to cry. “God, I’m glad no one has to see me like this.” He mutters into his palm.

 

Magnus flops down on the couch which he has taken permanent residency in for the past 48 hours. He doesn't conjure a drink, or food, he doesn’t feel much of anything, except for staring at the ceiling with tired eyes as the pain continues to permeate his headspace.

 

He doesn’t know how long he’s been staring at the ceiling when someone rings the doorbell, he shoots up, immediately regretting it as an ache shoots through his head. He groans, rubbing his temples as he snaps his fingers to make himself look decent.

 

He opened the front door. He nearly choked on his own spit.

 

“Alec.”

 

The moment he said his name the pain returned, a dull throbbing that’s terrifyingly quickly growing into the searing pain that he’s grown oh so familiar with. Magnus cleared his throat and led Alec into the living room.

 

“One moment please,” he said as he briskly walked to the bathroom. Damn, of all times.

 

Magnus grit his teeth as held onto his sink, his knuckles turning white, his breathing heavier by the second. The pain in his chest is spreading throughout his entire body, all the way to his fingertips, he pried his hand from the sink, in vain hope that his magic would not fail him this time. He snaps weakly, hand trembling as a stabbing pain crawled up his throat and blocked his airways. Magnus immediately started choking, his eyes felt hot, hands coming up to claw at his neck as he started hacking in an attempt to clear it.

 

After one particularly painful wet cough, something came out. Petals.

 

He clenched the petals in his fist. His mind going haywire, what does this mean? Is this even possible? Well, it must be since it’s happe—

 

_“...that’s why I proposed to Lydia.”_

 

“Aghk!” Magnus doubled over, his heart and his lungs felt like it was on fire. One hand clutched the sink--the other still clawing at his throat as he hacks out more blood and petals into the sink. He tried inhaling after his fit but didn’t notice the small petal that was still at the back of his mouth and ended up choking and coughing fit that made him gag and feel like throwing up.

 

After a moment the pain has been reduced to a dull throbbing once more.

 

He spat the remaining shitty petal out, there were unshed tears in his eyes, and his throat felt like it had been rubbed raw. He looked at the small pile of petals in the sink, they were covered in blood, but he could see a bit of white peeking through.

 

He turned the faucet on, watching as the petals swirl down the drain. Upon closer inspection, the petals weren’t exactly white, it had a very slight hint of blue. Then it finally hit Magnus, this is his first hint. Magnus quickly scooped out the rest of the petals before anymore fell down the drain, he then took a nearby towelette and dried them off.

 

“Magnus?”

 

Oh shit, he forgot that Alec was waiting by the foyer. He left the towelette full of the mysterious petals in the sink and quickly walked over to the doorway and led him to the living room. “My apologies for the wait,” he said, then, because he couldn't help himself, he continued:

 

“So, tired  of bickering over the guest list for your wedding?” Petty, but he’ll let himself have this one, what with all the shit that been happening to him lately.

 

“I need to ask you something,” Alec said, his voice stern and steady but he looked... tired, resigned, it hurt Magnus to see him like this, but his annoyance still took up most of his cranial capacity at the moment, so he set the thought aside for now.

 

“Will it take long?” Magnus asked as he started walking towards the minibar, “I have a life to live and there’s not much for us to talk about.” He said, making his drink to distract him from not just the dull throbbing, but from the way he could smell Alec's delicious cologne from where he stood.

 

“It’s not about me or...” Alec hesitated, “Any of that. This is about my sister.”

 

“Ohhh, I see.” Magnus said, as he put the newly mixed drink down and turned around to face him, “Are you referring to the fact that your adorable fiancee has Isabelle on trial for treason?” He raised his eyebrows almost mockingly,

 

A small flash of hurt appeared on Alec’s face but disappeared as quickly as it came.

 

Seeing that made Magnus’s lungs sting, so he swiftly grabbed his drink and sat down on the couch next to the minibar, just in case.

 

Alec stood there, not knowing what to do. He looked so lost, Magnus’s heart clenched, “What can I do for you, Alec?” He sighed out, finally giving up, he can never really deny Alec anything with that face, and he has become rather fond of little Isabelle as well.

 

“My sister wants you to be her defense attorney,” Magnus leaned forward, now this was interesting. ”I said I would ask... But I’m sorry to bother you, I know... A Downworlder can’t defend a Shadowhunter in court.” He says as he starts towards the entrance, eyes lingering on Magnus for as long as possible as if this was the last time he would ever get to see him.

 

Magnus should be relieved that he’s leaving, should be glad that he doesn't have to endure the pain of seeing him there but just a little out of reach any longer.

 

But no, he’s a masochist apparently, “But,” Magnus quickly added, “A Shadowhunter accused of a crime can choose any advocate.” with that, Alec turned and started walking towards him, he wasn’t looking as lost anymore, he still looked skeptical, but there was a small flicker of hope in his eyes.

 

 _Why oh why did I do that?_ Magnus thought as his heart skipped a beat. Alec stopped a little ways away from him, much to Magnus’s relief and disappointment.

 

“That can’t mean a Downworlder” _Ah, Alexander, always the pessimist._

 

Magnus smirked, “The Clave was so rigid and prejudiced back in what they call the “Time of Angels” that they didn’t dream of a Shadowhunter asking a Downworlder for help,” he scoffed, “They didn’t even bother to exclude us.”

 

“So,” _Why am I doing this._ Magnus continues as he stood up and walked a little bit closer, just because he couldn’t help it. “Since, as you all say: the law is the law,” Magnus said, mimicking an elderly voice as mockery. To which, Alec smirked in amusement. “There’s no stopping me from slipping through this gaping loophole.. for the right price of course.” He smiled and took a sip.

 

“Name it”

 

“You.”

 

_What._

 

Alec turned his eyes away nervously, seemingly speechless. “In fact, I’ll do you pro bono” Magnus continues, _Why am I still running my mouth?_

 

Alec sighs, “Anything else.” Pain shot though Magnus again, making breathing a little bit painful.

 

Magnus paused for a while, ignores the pain and contemplates, “What else is important to you?” He walks a little bit closer again, his chest tightens just a little bit. “What else tells me that your sister means enough for you to make a real sacrifice?” He paused again.

 

_Oh._

 

Magnus looks up at Alec, “Your bow and quiver. How ‘bout that?”

 

Alec gaped a little, his mouth opens as if to say something, then closes it again. His brows permanently furrowed as he sighs, “Done.”

 

Magnus coughs little but tries to hide it as he took a sip of his drink, eyes never leaving Alec’s.

 

-x-

 

His meeting with Magnus has been.. productive at least. Sure, Izzy now has an attorney, but Magnus’s harshness towards him didn't go unnoticed. _He has every right to be mad at me._ Alec scolded himself as he entered the Institute.

 

Lydia nodded to him in greeting, he returns the gesture.

 

_Tired of bickering over you weddings guest list?_

 

Alec’s heart clenched.  _He's calling me plain old_ Alec  _now._

 

He shook his head to clear his head as he headed to the room where Izzy was being held in custody. He needed his head in the game, so he put these unnecessary thoughts in the backburner for now.

 

_Oh, just like how you did with Magnus?_

 

_Stop_

 

_Even though you two had something good going on?_

 

_Stop it_

 

_Even though you were finally happy for once?_

 

_Stopitstopitstopit._

 

He opened the door, and the infuriating voice in his head had gone silent. “Izzy?” Alec peeked his head inside. Izzy sat on the sofa, eyes full of fire and fight, and although her posture says otherwise, she still radiated determination and stubbornness. How was it that his little sister is so much stronger than him?

 

Izzy turned to him,  flashed the smallest smile as she greeted him. He hasn’t seen her genuinely smile in weeks. _Lydia did this, she took my sister’s smile._

 

_No, she didn't. It’s not her fault._

 

“How was it?” Izzy’s voice pulled Alec from his thoughts, he moved to sit down next to her. As he sinks down on the faux leather couch he realizes just how tired he is. Alec takes in a deep breath as he leans his head back and closes his eyes for a moment, he basks in the silence for a while, letting himself relax a little for once.

 

Izzy lets him, patiently waiting for her brother to speak, it’s not often that he gets to sit down for a solid minute to relax after all.

 

“He agreed” Alec opens his eyes and lolls his head to the side to look at her. Izzy sighs in relief and grins at him “Thanks for this big bro.” Alec holds the side of Izzy's head and pulls it to his shoulder, giving her a side hug. “Don’t thank me, thank Magnus.” Alec let’s go and Izzy bolts right up, her energy returning to her immediately, “Don’t worry if I win--”

 

“ _When_ you win”

 

Izzy grins again, “When I win, I’m gonna go take Magnus out for a shopping spree as thanks, maybe even raid Sephora or something.” With that, the corner of Alec’s lips turned up into a small fond smile.

 

“I’m sure he’ll like that.”

 

-x-

 

It’s been hours since Alec left.

 

Magnus has reverted to his Rabid Animal couture look. Leaning over flasks, books, and potions that’s been piling up around him as the hours ticked by. Fruitless hours. He’s been experimenting on the petals, rereading every book he has, making antidotes just to come up with.. something, but no, nothing has turned up. None. Nada. It was really grinding Magnus’s gears to the point where he just wants to fling himself off the building.

 

Or maybe crawl into Alec’s arms.

 

_No! Stop it, no._

 

But now that his traitorous brain has inserted the idea in his extremely exhausted mind, he couldn’t help but imagine what it would be like to be wrapped in those tattooed arms, and wrap his arms around the slightly taller man in return, tuck his head into his neck. Would he be able to smell the same delicious cologne he wore earlier? Or would he just smell of soap, with an underlying bergamot scent that Magnus had grown accustomed to and has realized that the scent was just plain Alec.

 

No matter the case, in his imagination at least, he felt safe and relaxed. Normally, he would shake his head to cease these pointless thoughts, but he let himself bask in this serenity and false sense of security to his stress-ridden mind (and body), at least for a little whi--

 

His eyes ripped open (he hadn’t realized he even closed them) as a wet cough tore itself from the very depths of his lungs.

 

Here we go again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for all the lovely encouraging comments and kudos! It really motivated me to update a bit faster than i would have normally, so i hope you enjoyed! Feedback is appreciated :')

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is highly encouraged! This is not beta read so please bear w me BUT my co-writer and I hope you enjoy the angst train ;^)


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